me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.