Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]