“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge