Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
You Might Also Like
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I see your IQ test came back negative
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.