roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
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According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.