God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
You Might Also Like
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?