On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
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My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
So true for me
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
<—- homeless romantic
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.