FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
This is me 🤣🤣
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.