The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Nothing.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.