my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
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PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.