Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.