[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
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I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.