People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Autocorrect is my menesis
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”