I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
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Something Saturday.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!