Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids