[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
You Might Also Like
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato