roman lesbians: *caesaring*
You Might Also Like
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
When news reporters do sports stories
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.