I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
There is wisdom there.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT