ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My birthstone is a sushi roll.