Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans