Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.