go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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stop
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.