Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
fired
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.