Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
You Might Also Like
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.