most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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twitter users today:
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I would move hell over six inches for you
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.