Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
These 3D printers are insane!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
can you read it!!??
maan!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story