Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
(Electricians.)
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
🤣🤣
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud