I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*