@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
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doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.