My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that