As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
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The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.