everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…