Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*