I know a bad idea when I see one.
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”