Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
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5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Just a phase…
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.