Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.