That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?