Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
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The fall of Netflix
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok