Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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My time has come.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My dad is at it again
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.