ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Hero horse inspires millions
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan