I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
You Might Also Like
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Day 2 of my diet
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*