ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Home #decor warning.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words