My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
marvel comics have peaked
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?