But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light