Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up