Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
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Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
the composer
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is