Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”