chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
lol
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning