Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
This dude got his own movie?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”