My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The Onion called it…again.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s